Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
