I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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