just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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