around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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