So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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