Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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