Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
