2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This baby is an asshole
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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