My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just google imaged poop.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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