I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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