I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who died my cat blue again?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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