I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
