I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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