Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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