Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
