if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
