Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
if only i could text you this smell
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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