dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
