last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
