I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
