my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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