I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
