Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
