Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
