omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
