Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
