When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
