I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You pole danced in your parka.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
