you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
