we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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