I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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