I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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