dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
