My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
