Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Im part way to drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pants are for mortals
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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