Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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