You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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