When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
