So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
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Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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