420 ftw
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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