I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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