I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize