we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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