no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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