i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
well you can't waste a boner
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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