I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
