So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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