i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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