Your dad touched me again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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