He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
