Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
