you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
