All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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