hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
