True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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