nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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